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saying goodbye again

Four years ago tonight, our firstborn came into the world. We visited his grave on Good Friday during our trip to Orlando. I was surprised how quickly the tears returned in that shady, quiet spot where I used to sit and talk to James.

We got to introduce Valor to James’s place briefly before he took off across the cemetery to get a closer look at another grave’s Easter balloon. Valor’s carefree vitality was a marked contrast with the message whispered by the hundreds of marble and brass markers: Death comes to us all. Thank God for the cross and the resurrection that take away all believers’ fear of punishment and death.

A year ago I posted a letter that I sent to Stephen Curtis Chapman in honor of James’s birthday. In January I got a nice response to it and a picture of SCC from one of his staff members, so I assume he never personally read my letter. That’s okay—we still love his Beauty Will Rise album about struggling with grief and faith. We actually made a “grieving” playlist after losing Carolina, and a lot of the songs in it are from that album. It really, really helps us grieve with less bitterness. (Here’s our more generic suffering playlist if anyone is interested.)

We had a relationally-intense visit to Orlando, filled with friends and real conversations and worship and tears and hugs. Valor really enjoyed playing with our friends (and their kids and dogs) as well. Now that we are back, I am struggling all over again with missing my old friends and church, and knowing and being known, and wondering why God brought us here. I know He has good reasons (an important one being that John really likes his job here) but right now I feel the sharpness of what we left, on top of being sad about losing another baby. Sometimes life seems irrationally bleak.

Speaking of which, I was disappointed to have to postpone the appointment with the hi-risk doc and geneticist yesterday because most of our test results still haven’t come in. The only one they have received is the karyotype of Carolina’s DNA, which showed that she was normal (no extra or missing chromosomes). This is good, but it was also expected (Dora was also normal), and the other tests could give us more detailed information about genetic deletions or other problems. So please keep praying they can discover the cause of our miscarriages…the new appointment is three weeks away.

17 thoughts on “saying goodbye again”

  1. Praying for you now. I did not realize how much I have missed you until last weekend. So glad to have been included and looking forward to our next visit, maybe New Bern later this year? 🙂

  2. Hey friend,

    Just wanted to let you know that we’re thinking of you both and praying for you today! I miss Sweet Baby James and those long beautiful eyelashes and happy grins.

    It was SO GOOD to see you all this weekend. I’m so happy that the boys were able to spend some time together and Isaiah loves the Eye book. He’s been carrying it around the house non-stop.

    Hopefully we can get together again before too long!

    1. It was so good to see you guys, too! Valor still says Isaiah’s name when he sees his picture, and it actually sounds recognizable. I hope he enjoys the Eye book and the others. He is all set for that vocab explosion!

  3. I’m sorry I wasn’t online on James’ birthday, but I just want to tell you that I was thinking of and praying for your family on the 26th.

  4. Time seems to go by so fast, I always remember James birthday because it’s right after Nathan’s birthday but I somehow missed it. We’ve had alot going on with Ryland this last month, I’m behide on everything. James picture is still on our fridge and now Vera gets to look at it. It’s been up there for 3 years now and I can’t seem to take it down, I just love that smile. You have been in our prayers.
    It’s nice to see the pics of Valor and holey cow he’s one big boy. Watch out Abby he’s going to be bigger than you soon.

    1. Summer, I think of Ryland often and pray when I see your fb updates. Thanks for keeping James’s picture up, it seems like we still see it on fridges of all our closest friends, so we’re glad to count you in that group!

      My hat is off to you, what a super mom!!!

  5. Abby I know you guys have no idea who I am, but I just wanted to say boy can I relate to the “what’s my purpose here” statement. Almost a year ago we moved from WA state to SC! Talk about missing friends. I have seen God’s hand in my purpose here a few times, however it just doesn’t feel “comfortable” if that makes sense? Noone really knows me here and I don’t have anyone I can just sit and chat with! I do have people I “talk” to but no real friends just yet! So I just want you to know you aren’t alone in the “why did God bring me here” feeling.
    I love how honest and real the two of you are when you post and I thank you for sharing your lives with us!

  6. Hi John, Abby and Valor!

    I too, think of James often. I found your blog through “Cake Wrecks” and actually have James’ blog bookmarked, as well as this one.

    James was a precious, precious soul. You know, my mom always says that we’re put on this Earth to do one thing. We don’t know what it is, but when we’ve accomplished what God’s purpose is for us, our life is done. To me, I think that James came to all of us to show us the beauty of each day of life. And the profound impact a life makes on us, even a brief life like his, Dora’s and Caroline’s.

    I keep you all close in my thoughts and prayers.

    Sally Ann (aka Salann)

  7. Hello Dear Family! I am so grateful to see and hear about your journey into “typical” (such an unsatisfactory word) parenting! I woke up early and suddenly this morning and thought about you. Over the last few weeks I’ve thought about you when I’ve thought about bringing my boys to Bear Creek where they love exploring; only now did I look you up and find out about Valor (great name!) and that you’ve moved. I was also delighted to see you discovered fuzzibunz. I used that with my boys, and Valor’s weight gain seems to have followed the same path as my eldest son’s (always in clothes for those twice his age). If you need a larger size of fuzzibunz, let me know. I still have Lukas’ x-lg in the old style, and I’m guessing the one-size may be outgrown before potty training. North Carolina sounds wonderful and your new house is beautiful – what a great place to raise a family!

    I have taken a break from occupational therapy and am now a full-time mom, though I look forward to returning to the field in a few years. Perhaps I will learn how to do the wonderful things you do with creating and maintaining a website. My boys are now 5 and 8, and I wish I could direct you to a website, but I haven’t figured that out yet. Ah well.

    I still think of James now and then, and it was an honor to have shared some time with him; he was such a fighter, and a bright light.

    I wish your growing family all the best!

    1. Larissa,
      It was great to hear from you and find that you are enjoying your break from OT. Thanks for remembering us and our sweet James. I wish you could have seen how well he was doing before he died. He had come a long way.
      Yes, we are still in size L FB (I never did the one-size) and who knows, I might have to take you up on the XL someday. I don’t know when we will start potty training, I’m letting Valor decide. But he is growing like the proverbial weed! It’s funny to have two sons who were off the growth charts in the opposite directions.
      Have a great summer and thanks for keeping up with us!

  8. The three links in the upper right corner of your home page start with https instead of http, and thus don’t link to your sites.

    Your sites are beautiful, well written, thought provoking. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

  9. How I found your stories…My daughter gave birth to a healthy boy three days ago, she named him James Richard…coming in very late last night, after helping her with her two boys (William is 13 months) I decided to google ‘Sweet Baby James’…I found your website…I stayed up for hours reading about your James and also, Dora, Carolina, and Valor. You have an amazing testimony to share. I love how thoughtfully you have responded to so many comments.

    You have done so well pointing others to the hope they might have in Jesus Christ. Because it is only in light of who Jesus Christ is, that we can make any sense of the lives we currently live…seeking to honor Him and bringing glory to our Creator.

    I have been so blessed by your family. I am sure that there are many more who do not post how you have encouraged and inspired them…but I needed to say it. Thank you.

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