clinging to hope
Last week I had two blood tests, two days apart, to test the relative trend of my hCG levels. If they went way up, that would indicate a continuing pregnancy. If they went down, that was a clear indication of a fetal demise, and we would accept that the pregnancy was over. I have not felt very sick lately, as I usually am at this point in a pregnancy. I feel tired and hungry, but it is hard to discern whether I am pregnant-hungry and pregnant-tired or just wanting food and sleep because I am sad. I was thinking the latter.
This morning (Monday) we finally got the results of the second hCG blood test. The good news is that the level rose, which indicates fetal growth! Against our expectations, Bitty lives! The bad news is that it didn’t rise enough to be considered normal. The docs are back to worrying about where the baby is located. We are just relieved, and honestly surprised, and thankful for the small indication that God is not finished with this baby yet.
When God told King David through the prophet Nathan that his infant son would die, David nonetheless fasted and pleaded with God for the life of the child (2 Sam. 12). Until God’s will was confirmed, David reasoned that God might still have mercy on the child and let it live. That is the spirit with which we want to pursue God for Bitty’s life.
I feel like God is teaching me that adoption is difficult, no matter how you do it. We chose embryo adoption because it ultimately seemed easier, more predictable, and faster than the other ways to adopt. That may or may not be true. It is still perilous. The powers of darkness rage against adoption, as it reflects the heart of God, and I am sure they rage over Bitty. God is strengthening our resolve to adopt through the crucible of uncertainty. We are determined to struggle in prayer over this child until His answer is given, or His blessing is secure.
There may soon be a day that we have to say goodbye to Bitty, but today is not that day. For this we are thankful. Our next ultrasound is Wednesday, and we pray to see a heartbeat, growth, and that Bitty lives outside the scars. Please continue to pray for us!