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bursting bubbles

It’s been too long since we’ve opened a window to our House. A lot of that time was because I didn’t know what to say. Let me start from where we left off.

First, thanks to everyone who encouraged us after we said we were thinking about adoption. In May, God sent us some friends who are also hoping to adopt, and we eagerly pumped them for all the information we could get. Then followed a little over a month of research into international and domestic adoptions. As well as some serious excavation of the mucky sins that were hiding in the bottom of my heart. Here are some of the ugly creatures of my pit:

  • I thought I loved “the nations,” but that turns out to just be in the abstract. When it comes to picking out which ones I want to adopt from, I only seem to want what looks familiar.
  • I am afraid to have another special needs child. I feel entitled to a healthy, whole kid.
  • I wish adoption were quick and inexpensive, like having a baby if we were a “normal” couple with health coverage. I want a quick fix that will speed me on my way to my “ideal family.”
  • I feel humiliated that we have to reveal every aspect of our personal lives (medical conditions, body mass index, finances, parenting philosophy to name a few) to strangers who will decide if we’re “worthy” to adopt.
  • I don’t want countries or agencies checking up on my parenting for years after the adoption. No one does that to normal families.
  • I am getting older! I need to get my family in place pronto! I don’t have time to pray and wait, I need to act!
  • I just don’t want to walk this path!ย  I want a family the easy way, like everyone else! {pout}

All of these ugly attitudes and fears, and more, reared their heads as we started investigating adoption. Gently God has dragged me out of each pit I fall into. Our adoption buddies lent us their copy of Russell Moore’s Adopted for Life, and God has used it to reveal and gently deal with our profound selfishness, pride, and lack of faith in Him. I am like Jonah getting mad at the loss of the shade-giving vine, the little privileges that aren’t even mine to claim, when God’s focus is on the redemptive process of bringing an orphan into a new family.

Every time we got discouraged, which was frequently, we read another chapter of Adopted for Life to rekindle our determination. It also helped us appreciate more of the glory of our adoption through Christ. This is one of my favorite passages from the book:

“Imagine for a moment that you’re adopting a child. As you meet with the social worker in the last stage of the process, you’re told that this twelve-year-old has been in and out of psychotherapy since he was three. He persists in burning things and attempting repeatedly to skin kittens alive. He ‘acts out sexually,’ the social worker says, although she doesn’t really fill you in on what that means. She continues with a little family history. This boy’s father, grandfather, great-grandfather, and great-great-grandfather all had histories of violence, ranging from spousal abuse to serial murder. Each of them ended life the same way, death by suicideโ€”each found hanging from a rope of blankets in his respective prison cell.

Think for a minute. Would you want this child? If you did adopt him, wouldn’t you keep your eye on him as he played with your other children? Would you watch him nervously as he looks at the butcher knife on the kitchen table? Would you leave the room as he watched a movie on television with your daughter, with the lights out?

Well, he’s you. And he’s me. That’s what the gospel is telling us. Our birth father has fangs. And left to ourselves, we’ll show ourselves to be as serpentine as he is” (29).

To think God adopted us in our vile condition and gave us all the privileges of sons and heirs! It’s an breathtaking new view of the “old gospel story” for me. And it makes me want to be more like Him, my adoptive Father.

We were a couple days away from “pulling the trigger” when a new discovery brought us up short. Most, maybe all, international adoption agencies will terminate your application (without refund) if you become pregnant during the adoptive process. This is very difficult to understand from our perspective, since we view our pregnancies as miracles and all babies as wanted, whether adoptive or biological. We had thought we could pursue both concurrently (which might sound crazy if you don’t know us) since there’s a good chance we will not have another healthy biological child anyway. But we had to choose one or the other to pursue right now.

We decided we are not ready to give up on the biological side of things until we know more from our genetic tests. Our DNA is being analyzed, and we hope to get the results in late September. James’s DNA is also being analyzed at the NIH, coincidentally, for another research study they are doing. Please pray that his blood’s CGH-array test is successful because it failed the first time they tried it. If it works, then the NIH will share James’s DNA results with us so we can compare them to ours and Carolina’s. It will be like a family reunion of sorts. And it might answer a lot of questions.

Regardless of the genetic tests, we are still hoping to adopt in the future. And we heartily commend Moore’s book. It will really get you stoked about adoption and the gospel.

So what else is going on at the House? We found a new church: a huge answer to prayer! Our previous church here in New Bern had an excellent pastor, and we met some great friends there, but the one we’re going to now is a closer fit for us: elder-led and passionate about worshiping God and reaching the lost. One Harbor is a beach-town church (the nursery is called Hang 10 and Valor is a “Mini Boogie Board”), only two years old, and an hour away from us in Morehead City. It’s a challenge to be involved without being exactly “local,” but we are excited about the opportunities to minister to young believers and reach out to non-believers. On Sunday they baptized 12 new Christians, mostly aged 20-30. On the drives to and from, we enjoy long talks and good books, currently The Hunger Games trilogy, which we are reading aloud. Valor is a good listener in the backseat, too. Here he is wiped out after church:

Speaking of Valor, I could tell you a thousand wonderful things about him every day. Here are a few things that come to mind: This morning he told me he had a happy dream about Jesus. He speaks very clearly, even in sentences like “Valor do it!” and “Garbage can fall down!” but there are a few words that aren’t quite up to standard English pronunciation. Strawberry comes out “bobby-oh,” blueberry is “boobie,” and banana is “my-NA-nuh!”

He repeatedly splits his bottom lip open when he wipes out, often because he trips over his security blanket, which he calls “Green Mimi” or “Bubbles” for its dotted surface. He has a “funny walk” routine where he bends over and cranes his neck backwards, and a mischievous grin when he is being silly that reminds me of our friend Nathan Li. He is able to count to 15, can usually identify the numerals 0-10, and is stumbling through the alphabet song, months after he learned the letters and their sounds.

He is memorizing his first complete Bible verse, “Every word of God proves true ” (Prov. 30:5a). A couple months ago I asked him what he did at church, and his response was “Goldfish. Moses. Animal crackers.” I thought that was a pretty spiritual answer until last week I figured out that “Moses” was actually his attempt at “marshmallows.” He loves pretend cooking (Easter eggs are a common ingredient), books, drawing with crayons, watching Cars 2 clips and trailers, and is passionately devoted to dump trucks, tractors, and all heavy farm/construction equipment.

The other day he alerted me to his “cupcake pants,” so maybe potty training is on the radar. He can get out of the bathtub by himself now. He can get up and down stairs without holding onto anything. This morning he saw himself reflected in his spoon and said, “me.” He is upset to see a picture of Mommy and Daddy that predates him, shaking his head and saying in a hurt voice, “No Valor!”

For the Fourth we took a road trip down to Tallahassee to see “Guh-gah” and Papa. Valor was more than a little sad to discover no “gingerman” or Christmas tree waiting for him. What he did get were two doting grandparents. We got to visit two of my cousins and the newest additions to my extended family (twin second cousins). And John was happy because he finally got to play bridge with physical entities instead of internet opponents.

So there’s your update on what’s happening at our Houseโ€”the good, the bad, and the ugly. But it’s all ultimately working for our good in the hands of a loving God. We’ll leave you with this video we took from our road trip. (If you like it, say so in the comments so John will do this more often!)

 

28 thoughts on “bursting bubbles”

  1. I loved the video! and all the news.

    A friend of mine lent me the Hunger Games trilogy. She highly recommended it. I highly recommend the Assassin trilogy. I have to finish that before starting the Hunger Games.

  2. I am so glad you wrote. I am also so glad you shared your frustrations. It’s good to hear I’m not alone in my efforts to become more Christlike! And can Valor GET any cuter? He is so adorable. I loved the pictures and video.

  3. Love the video. Boys and bubbles are so much fun! ๐Ÿ™‚ Evan has read book 1 of The Hunger Games. I have heard that Book 3 is much more violent than the first 2. Thanks for sharing your “muckiness”. I can see myself having those same feelings if I were considering adoption (even though I am adopted myself). Love to you all.

  4. Thanks for the update! Those “pit” feelings are hard to deal with sometimes, but I try to remind myself that when they surface God is along side me with the pruning shears helping me to tame them. Sometimes it takes longer to tame, but I know that whatever discomfort comes with dealing with the issues will make me stronger in Christ.

    Valor is certainly turning into a brilliant adorable boy — just don’t tell him too often so that it doesn’t go to his head! Josiah (our 17 mo) has a similar green minky blanket (“blah” as he calls it) and wants to take it everywhere. Must be a boy thing, because our 5yo daughter never latched on to a lovey of any kind.

    We’re praying for good answers from the testing — looking forward to your future post about the findings.

  5. The video and pictures are priceless! And even more valuable are the truths you’ve shared with us and the world. Your candor and honesty mean so much and your testimony makes much of God and His goodness. Thanks, with love.

  6. I appreciated your honest sharing with regard to adoption. Looking forward to hearing the test results. I really enjoyed the photos/video and update about Valor. Miss & love you guys!

  7. THanks for the update. Valor is precious. I’m sure ya’ll look good, too, I just didn’t see any pics of you! ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m not sure if you are focusing on adopting a baby or an older child, but if its an older one, we’d love to talk to you first. There are issues I wish I’d been aware of BEFORE we adopted Wade. We felt specifically called to adopt, so I would have still done it, but my expecations would have been much different. Its completely different from adopting a baby. PRaying for you guys in all your decisions.

    1. Thanks Cathy. We thought of you guys often when discussing adoption plans. We were thinking of a toddler rather than an older child, but that might change as time goes on. We want to keep Valor the oldest sibling.

  8. Re: Hunger Games

    Team Peeta or Team Gale? I think Katniss and Gale are too akin to siblings, which, ewww. Plus Peeta is so sweet, even if he makes me crave hummus every time I see his name.

    Also, the trilogy has been compared to Koushun Takami’s Battle Royale, which had a similar theme. Suzanne Collins swears up, down and sideways that she was inspired by the story to Theseus and not Battle Royale, but I seriously side-eye that notion…

    Good to see yall are doing well! ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. Hmmm. I don’t think I’ve chosen a “Team” (although at the moment Peeta’s working harder for my vote), I’m just enjoying Katniss. I love the characterization, pacing, and dialogue. As a lit teacher I am a tough critic, and have quit (in exasperation) as many books as I’ve finished, but the plot feels fresh to me and K’s self-realizations feel very realistic. I don’t know the Takami work, but the reaping def stood on the shoulders of Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery.” I take it more as an homage than a theft of that classic allegory.

      Yes, John thinks it’s funny that a baker named his son Peeta.

      1. Katniss is wonderful, isn’t she? Did you know they’re already starting on the film adaptation? I’m looking forward to seeing Cinna’s work on screen. It should be interesting…and done with stunt doubles in some cases.

        I’m not saying Suzanne stole the idea from Takami, but more that…she had to have at least heard of his book. There are too many similarities. Hers is actually a bit more imaginative in the challenges and eliminations, to be honest. Especially later in the series. (I read the first two the week before the third came out, so I kind of have them run together in my head.)

  9. Hi Abby (and John and Valor, too!):

    We all have those “dark mucky” places in our hearts. That is just fear and doubt clouding our reason.

    A co-worker of mine adopted a “special needs” child from China. Miss Ruthie Mei had a heart issue – a hole in the heart, which has since closed…no surgery needed. She is evaluated yearly by a cardiologist, but is cleared for things like dance and gymnastics. She’s 6 and an absolute delight.

    Please don’t let that “special needs” label scare you. I believe that you can specify what issues you’d be willing to accept. In Ruthie’s case, her mother works at a heart hospital, so there was help with her care, should she have needed it.

    Yes, they look at everything with a microscope. But, you and John already have a child, so that’s one in your favor. Do not be afraid. Go boldly and know that God is on your side.

    Valor is sure a handsome fellow. In the video, when he is shown in the car seat, his eyes and forehead are so like James.

    Be strong. Be sure.

    Sally

  10. i loved the video and also getting glimpse’s into yall’s life :)…we will get that book on adoption!! we are praying as well about the possibility of adoption! and I do realize how quickly God can cut to the core of who I really am and how much I need Him to do anything! Love to you all!!

  11. Dear Abby (and the other residents of the House of Gjersen),

    Though I’ve been a lurker for some time, and often inspired by your words and your life, this post really struck my heart. I am inspired by your fidelity to Christ, especially amidst the muckiness. Your honesty and search for God’s truth among the darkness of this world is a beacon on my path to God. Thank you.

    Ironically, I just recently found a church–it too is an hour away from me. I was having a discussion with a friend about church, and she couldn’t understand why I would drive an hour just to go to church! I tried to explain to her that the peace I find in that place (an elusive peace that has been absent for such a long time) is worth any drive! I’m glad to hear that the search for God, for peace is a universal “drive”!

    Thanks again, Gjertsens. Your influence reaches farther than you can imagine.

  12. Hi! Loved the video! Valor is such a doll! Praying for you guys as always! Good to hear you found a church home! ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. Neat video John!

    Surely God gave each human being unique fingerprints to remind us how He has also given us unique lives. Of course that includes how our family and it’s various characteristics are to work out…and how it comes into being etc..
    Happy for you in your happiness with your new church!
    Love
    Patty for Dennis too

  14. Hello Gjertsen Family!

    I feel a little odd writing a post as I don’t really know you. ๐Ÿ™‚ I have enjoyed reading your blog for a couple years now (through CakeWrecks). When I started reading your blog I was just starting my path of living a Christ-centered life. I am thankful that you have shared your many hurdles and on-going devotion to the Lord throughout it all. So with that I just need to say thanks for sharing your beautiful and inspiring story.

    My main point for writing is to share a little on adoption. I previously was an adoption social worker focusing on children with special needs in foster care. I admire that you guys are being very cautious, thoughtful, and in prayer regarding this decision.

    I would like to offer a little piece of hope in regard to this decision. I don’t know if you would consider domestic foster to adopt cases, but if that is the case here are some positive things on that. For one, the process is lengthy. It can take 6 months to complete the home study and from my experience it is entirely OK to continue to plan on having birth children concurrently with making an adoption plan. (In most instances that long wait may seem like a negative – but in your case it may enable the time needed to sort things out). In addition, I really feel if you explain the situation to an adoption agency they will fully see where you are coming from and be willing to work with you – and if not then maybe they aren’t the best match. Foster to adopt is virtually free (there may be some costs if you chose an out of state placement). If any issues do arrise you do have the added support of child welfare post adoption that you may not get in private or international adoption cases. (In my state children adopted through foster care are automatically eligible for Medicaid until 18 – but can’t say for sure in your state).

    I am not from your area so can’t speak specifically on your state’s policies. If you feel called to explore this further though I’d suggest looking into a Christian Adoption agency in your area. There may be some wait in being placed with an infant, but that may also provide the time to prayerfully decide on what God has in store for your family. Another similar option is “abandoned babies” which again is a state by state policy (when a mother leaves their child at a hospital, police station, right after birth). This can be a lower-cost option over international or private adoption.

    I realize I am writing a novel here, but one last area that may be of interest is becoming a “Safe Family” http://www.safe-families.org/ This is a program that is used as respite foster care for when a birth family may be going through a crisis and need a week-month respite. It is a wonderful program and a Christian organization.

    I will keep praying for you and admire your strength, thought, honesty, and faith throughout this process.

    -Kelli

    1. Christian organizations really don’t have any role in NC foster adoptions.

      If they pursue that path, Children’s Home Society is the largest group in the state that manages foster/adoption.

  15. First off, I love the pics and video of Valor! He is simply adorable (but of course you already knew that). ๐Ÿ™‚

    Secondly, I just wanted you to know I’m praying that God smoothes the way for you to have another child, whether it be “naturally” or through adoption.

    Also, yay for finding a new church! ๐Ÿ™‚

  16. Hello all, I’ve been following since sweetbabyjames website and may have commented once before. My colleague pursued an international adoption and did get pregnant in the process. They questioned the pair to ascertain they were prepared to receive two new ones in their home at the same time, and proceeded as normal. Baby was born about one month before the toddler’s arrival. I don’t want too much more info posted online without their consent, but please let me know if you’d like me to put you in touch with them, find out their agency, or just offer you their blog.

    Blessings.

  17. John, Abby and Valor: I always read your posts with interest because of my own daughter’s situation. She has a Down syndrome daughter and has had 2 miscarriages this year(16 weeks, 9 weeks). All 3 were different chromosomal abnormalities. Because she has ONLY had 2 miscarriages, 2 geneticists and her OB have discouraged them from going to a fertility specialist or from further testing. The two pregnancy losses would not normally have been tested except for her first child. They so desperately want a sibling for their DS child (and want a sibling to have E) and have made an appointment anyway.
    I have always admired your honesty as you struggle with growing your family. I will certainly recommend the book on adoption (the quote was enough for me to know it’s the right one!)to my daughter and her friend, who is having trouble conceiving.
    I know two couples who have recently adopted siblings (1 and 2 years old each). Also, Tammy and Russell Cotton in Tallahassee were pregnant with Tyler while adopting a Chinese girl. However, I know Chinese adoptions have changed alot in the past few years.
    Good luck in your testing. So happy you have found a church that fits. And, Valor could not be more handsome. JD and Lamons could not be more perfect grandparents!

  18. There are so many children in NC waiting for homes. You guys have so much love and care to give a child – PLEASE don’t look outside the communities you live in for children who need parents if you do pursue adoption. If you go the adoption route, contact Children’s Home Society. they are based in Gboro but have lots of other offices from the beach to the mountains.

    It was the best decision we ever made. Look past the paperwork and see the child.

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